Scrum Norris

Chuck Norris is ScrumMaster and ProductOwner – simultaneously.
Chuck Norris can do 6-month sprints.
Chuck Norris wears Timeboxershorts.
Chuck Norris does not move story cards, he moves the taskboard.
Chuck Norris does not estimate, he knows.
Chuck Norris pairs alone.
Chuck Norris starts project with a Roundhouse-Kickoff.
Chuck Norris is allowed to appear late at the stand-up.
Chuck Norris sits on the stand-up meeting.
Chuck Norris has implemented everything at the planning meeting.
Chuck Norris does not estimate user stories, user stories estimate him. (This doesn’t translate well.)
Chuck Norris writes the code first, then the test.
Chuck Norris is not afraid of bugs, bugs are afraid of him.
Chuck Norris does not do Kanban. He does not know limits.
Chuck Norris does not pull, he pushes.
When Chuck Norris says “done”, then it’s “done”.
Chuck Norris does not deploy, he develops on the production environment.
Just Chuck Norris knows, that a real burn-down requires napalm.
Chuck Norris has no burn-down chart. Around him everything is already burnt down.
Chuck Norris answers just two questions on the stand-up meeting. Chuck Norris does not know obstacles.
Chuck Norris does not prioritize the backlog.
Chuck Norris takes two baby-steps at once.
Chuck Norris does not use test-driven development. Chuck Norris always drives.
Chuck Norris is the prioritized backlog.

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